Family is the focal point of the holiday season. We hear it in the warbling radio strains singing of being "home for the holidays," and we see it streaming across our TV sets in every commercial vision of long family dinner tables laden with food and laughter. But not everyone has a warm and loving family to go home to for the holidays. For those of us who find ourselves in this position, here are 12 ways that we as holiday orphans can make this family-oriented season our own.
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve
You have permission to have a blue Christmas. This season carries an air of melancholy along with the cheer as many are grieving. Loss reminds us of its presence and its need to be felt in the midwinter, so allow yourself space and time to feel it. Be warned, many will not understand it and will not know how to grieve with you. Be extra kind to yourself as you give yourself this important gift.
2. Make Space for Joy
Grief ebbs and flows. Whether you are grieving being distant from your home, estrangement, or perhaps death, it is important to allow it to come in waves. When it ebbs, let yourself enjoy what you can. Make a list of things that bring you "comfort and joy." These can be holiday-related or they can be simple like a trip to the library or a coffee date. It's ok to let yourself feel the pain, but it's ok to feel the joy, too.
3. Do What You Want To Do
The benefit of being a holiday orphan is that no one is dictating how you spend your holiday. You call the shots. Have you always wanted to travel somewhere for the holidays? Is there a tradition you've been dying to make your own? Or do you just want to spend the special holiday snuggled in with movies or a good book? Let yourself do what your heart wants, even if it's unconventional for the season.
4. Don't Underestimate Found Family
If you are lucky enough to have "found family," or people who are not your blood relations but that you have chosen to be your family, don't be afraid to ask for what you need from them. If you need to be alone and they are crowding you, let them know. If you need to be surrounded by people on the holidays, let them know that, too, and don't worry about being a burden. They will let you know their limits, but most likely they are dying to give you some of the holiday spirit.
5. Don't Be Afraid of Being Alone
Society believes that being alone at the holidays is the absolute worst thing, but sometimes, it really isn't. If this is what you need, it's a very good and healing thing. Allow this if it's what your heart is craving.
6. Create Your Own Community
If you don't have the resources available to be with others, create your own sense of holiday community by volunteering, visiting a nursing home, or snuggling animals in an animal shelter. Being with others who need connection on the holidays will nurture and fulfill that need within you.
7. Set Boundaries
During the holidays, society becomes obsessed about what we are doing with our families. The incessant questions from strangers or acquaintances who don't know your orphan status can be painful. While they mean well, it's important to have some boundaries around these conversations. Role play with a trusted figure how you will respond. "That's a painful subject for me, let's talk about happier things." "My family is far away, but how about your family?" This allows you to feel that you have more control.
8. It's Ok to "Skip"
If you feel that you can't personally engage in the holidays this year or for many years, it's ok to "skip" them. While you can't escape the hustle and bustle around you, you don't have to personally participate, either. Allow yourself that space and take pride in the fact that you are listening to and providing what you need.
9. It's Ok to "Go All In"
If your inner child needs some playtime, it's also ok to "go all in" for the holidays. Go ice-skating, look at Christmas lights, drink hot chocolate, make cookies, watch holiday movies. Give yourself the holiday that you want!
10. Hang a Stocking
If you celebrate Christmas and love the tradition of Christmas stockings, get yourself one and fill it up! It may sound silly, but it works. You can even hang it up on Christmas Eve, play Santa for yourself, and then open it up on Christmas morning just as if you were a kid again. You'd be surprised how fun this can be! Bonus if you have pets: get them some stockings, too!
11. Find an Angel Tree
If you have the means, select a child from an angel tree and make their Christmas dreams come true. Nurturing an outer child can be so healing for your inner child, and bringing those children joy can be a balm to holiday orphan pain.
12. Be Gentle
First and foremost, be ever so kind and gentle with yourself this holiday season. Even if those on the outside aren't able to truly understand the pain of being a holiday orphan, you know what you need. Do your best to provide what you can for yourself and allow all feelings without judgement. It can be a hard time, but providing a place of softness for yourself will help to cocoon against the harshness.
It's not an easy time for holiday orphans, but if you listen to what you need and honor that, you have claimed the season for yourself. And that is holiday magic.
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