When the Homesteading Dream is a Red Flag

Should a desire for homestead life be considered a red flag, in a prospective husband? Many former tradwives now see it as a potential warning sign.

Pin

A spate of recent articles, like this one from the Guardian, have brought awareness to the fact that long-time tradwives are exiting the movement in droves. In many cases, they're leaving behind not just the stay-at-home, husband-idolizing lifestyle. They're leaving their marriages, as well.

A search of the #extradwife hashtag quickly brings up stories from previously traditional, stay-at-home wives, disclosing why they left that patriarchal lifestyle--along with transparent accounts of how hard, and often abusive, their "good Christian" marriages really were.

Many of these middle aged moms are now encouraging young women to see through the shine of popular Instagram tradwife accounts, and to think long and clearly about what it means to start a life with a man who "dreams of homesteading". Some of you know that I too, escaped that life.

I'm still homesteading, but in peace now, and raising two kids in a happy, peace-filled home. I don't talk much about it. Mostly, I just keep building our beautiful life, and talking about ducks and chickens.

(As a side note, yes, there are million ads on here and I hate them too, but they are how I support my kids and keep the mortgage paid now that I'm free. Thanks for understanding!)

But when you get to other side of something, life has a way of sending you folks who are still finding their way though. Partly through this blog, and partly through just doing life in a small rural community, I've talked and cried and empathized with a devastating number of women who are living a tradwife life that feels more like prison than a dream.

This is an article I've been wanting to write for years, and this morning I woke up ready to write it.

Not every man who dreams of off-grid life will turn out to be controlling, misogynist, and anti-social.

However, the self-sufficiency "tradlife" dream absolutely does draw this type of man in a unique way, like yellowjackets to a cider press at harvest time.

As I write this article, I'm praying for the woman living in an old school bus, about to face yet another New England winter, with no running water and three little ones to care for.

I'm thinking of my friend who was told she'd be "allowed" to have chickens once she had perfected making sourdough bread, and as long as she "kept her man happy".

This article is for my readers who were told to keep chickens so their families would have all their own eggs...but were then instructed to stop buying feed for them when grain prices went up. (Sadly, I have received several requests for advice on how to keep chickens laying without store-bought food, because this exact scenario was true of multiple readers.)

This is for the woman I was 18 years ago.

Most of all, this is for the woman who is NOT stuck in that life yet, but is thinking about doing life with a man who dreams of homesteading. It's for the mother, or friend, or sister, watching their loved one slowly become less, while dating a homestead guy, and wishing they had something to share that might help before it's too late.

We ex-tradwives tend to find each other, and sharing common threads from our experiences can be very revealing. We find ourselves replaying all the warning signs that should have set off alarm bells during dating or courtship, well before saying "I do." If only we'd known what red flags were, maybe we'd have run the other way.

The number two definition of "Red Flag" in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is: a warning signal or sign.

After many conversations with other ex-tradwives who escaped destructive marriages, I think a prospective husband's desire to homestead can be a red flag. Extra caution and consideration are absolutely warranted, to ensure that the homesteading dream isn't just an appealing cover, beneath which lie character deficiencies, a proclivity to control and abuse, and misogynist beliefs.

In no particular order, here are some questions I would encourage any woman to ask and answer honestly, before starting a life with a man who dreams of homesteading.

Pin

Does he talk about wanting to move away?

I say these questions are in no particular order, but this one gets pride of place because I really do think it's one of the most important. Men who turn abusive, consistently aim to isolate their wives and children from other people who love them, and would expect them to be treated well.

When people are treated badly, friends and family are likely to pick up on it eventually. If there are people in your life who might notice that you've begun carrying yourself like a whipped dog, are unable to do things you used to without "checking first", or other signs of high control, he's going to want to distance you from them. The groundwork for this often begins early, while still dating, and usually before coercive control and abuse begin.

If a key element of his dream involves moving you away from your established support network, it can be helpful to push him on WHY.

Does he want to move for more affordable land? Better employment opportunities? What is his reaction, if you suggest that your family come too, and move nearby? Watch what his body says, not just his words.

Does he have a history of sticking with things?

What is his work history? Does he stay with a job for multiple years, or does he have a pattern of jumping from one employer to another? Does he have a demonstrated history of following through on things he says he's going to do? Does he finish what he starts, even when it doesn't go easily?

It can be easy to think of homesteading as a "self-made" life, where you'll have eggs and garden veggies, even if there's a gap in employment. Homesteading tends to appeal to those who detest working "for" other people, and who experience higher-than-average job turnover.

What's easy to miss though, is that when you're living a homestead life, with chickens and goats and whatever other animals you've added, those are MORE mouths that still need to get fed, even when a paycheck isn't coming in. Homestead life can actually be harder for those experiencing wage gaps, not easier.

Pin

Will you be expected to "make the homestead pay?"

It is said that most tradwife content online is consumed by men, not women. One result of this, seems to be a widespread belief among men, that it's easily feasible (nay, downright cushy!) for a woman to be a stay at home wife, while running the homestead, and making an income from it.

This (of course) doesn't count as working, and he still gets credit for being a "traditional husband" who provides and makes it so his wife can stay home and cuddle babies and bake bread.

I personally know many, many women who were promised the "stay at home mom life", but the fine print turned out to be an expectation that they still figure out how to make money from the homestead, while making all the family's food from scratch, doing all of the gardening and animal chores, and usually homeschooling the kids.

If you have not had the quality of your life depend on you making actual money from your homestead, without leaving the house, and in addition to all of the homestead chores, this might not sound like too much of a burden.

After all, there are a zillion articles online about how to make money from your small homestead. I know, I wrote one of the original viral articles about this back in 2016. It's been shared hundreds of thousands of times, and is one of the most widely-plagiarized articles on the topic.

Yes, there are countless ways you can make money from home. No, it's not easy or instant, especially while carrying all the weight of running the homestead and raising children. Please, please do not let anything I have written cause you to believe that needing to "carry your weight" as a homeschooling, homesteading tradwife is easy.

It. Is. Not.

If his dream is to make it so that you can stay home and raise the kids, does he see that as being possible because his income allows for it, and covers all the expenses? Or does he see that as possible, because you're still making money too?

Does he have a plan for his income to cover the costs of the homestead, without needing it to pay for itself? Will the cost of animal feed feel like a burden, if you're not selling eggs or soap or sourdough to pay for it?

My sweet sister, these ARE questions to ask now. These are not questions that just work themselves out with time.

Pin

If he pictures you homeschooling, what additional homestead work does he envision you doing on top of this?

If "the dream" is for you to have multiple children and homeschool them, how much of the daily homestead work does he also expect that you will do?

Does he want the homestead life enough that he's willing to get up early and do the barn chores before leaving for work, so you're not milking goats with an infant on your back, before jumping into math with the older kids, and then going out and planting beans, because you rely on growing and canning your own food? That is not living, that is surviving.

A very common theme in women's homesteading forums, is young mothers asking advice on how to "do it all", because they absolutely must care for all the animals, plus grow a subsistence garden, while educating the kids at home.

Sadly, the most common advice I see is that "the kids will be fine, real life lessons are more important than book learning anyway!" The few people offering advice to scale back on the gardening and sell the animals if dad's not willing to help, frequently get shot down.

An over-burdened homestead/homeschool scenario is a great recipe for kids not receiving an adequate academic education, but getting a very clear lesson on what it's ok to expect of wives and mothers.

Right now, before those theoretical children exist, is the right time to have multiple conversations about how he envisions all the work of a homestead getting done, if he hopes for you to raise and homeschool multiple kids. Please don't be afraid of these conversations.

What type of online content is he consuming?

Does he suggest Ballerina Farm, Homestead on Boone, Homesteading Family, Aria Lewis, or Wife on the Prairie as inspiring content that you might like to follow?

Does he himself enjoy following Bug Hall, Joel Webbon, Eric Conn, Brian Suavé, Dale Partridge, Daniel Neeleman, Justin Rhodes, or Matt Walsh?

If the answer is "yes" to ANY of these above, I would deeply encourage you to have multiple real, open conversations with him about exactly what he finds appealing about these accounts.

"Aren't most of those men pastors?" you might ask?

Yes, the online world is full of uneducated, un-qualified, self-proclaimed pastors who have built massive followings--not by challenging men to be their most Godly selves, but by offering them permission and encouragement to be their worst. It's easy to see how men holding out a pastor's blessing for behavior that Christ would repudiate, can hold appeal for vast swaths of overly-online men who believe the world owes them more than they are currently experiencing in life.

Can he have a give-and-take conversation about your concerns regarding the worldviews of content creators like this? Do you feel safe and welcome to share different thoughts and perspectives from his own?

How does he handle it when you do? Is he able to have a good-faith conversation, where he listens without interrupting, and can hear your hesitations about adopting the "tradlife" without suggesting that you've been:

"brainwashed by feminists"

"listening to too many liberal friends"

"lied to by feminazis",

"reading the wrong books"

"hoodwinked by girl boss culture", or

"need to pray about this more".

Does he then try to butter you up, telling you that you're:

"better than those women that want a mainstream life"

"not a gold digger, who's afraid to do your part for our dream"

"not like other women, and that's what I love about you"

"sweet and feminine and going to be an amazing mom."

If you're hearing any of this language from him, I urge you to hit the pause button on moving forward. Start observing and making note of how he talks about women, how he jokes about women, and how he responds to you when you disagree about not just homesteading, but anything at all. Once you really start observing, you may discover red flags everywhere you look.

Pin

Is he supportive of your existing relationships with family and friends?

This ties in with the first point about wanting to move away, and it's all about isolation. Ask yourself if this man actively encourages you to get time alone with your friends and family.

Is it ok to spend time with them, but only if it's a "double date" with your friends' husbands present? Is it ok to have time with your mom, but only if it's in the context of the whole family being there?

Do you find that he puts limits on the time he's willing for you to spend with friends without him, or that he "punishes" you by pouting about having to be without you, or being "ditched" alone? Do you have to "pay" for time with friends by putting extra effort or care into him? Do you find yourself hesitating to say "yes" to time with friends, because you have to think about what he'll say, and whether it's worth it?

Do you avoid mentioning certain friends, because it "makes him mad", or you know that he's going to say something critical about them?

Men who become abusers very early share a pattern of making it more and more difficult for their wife or girlfriend to have their own network of close friends. This may not seem like a homesteading issue, but the "tradwife life" tends to be a little isolating by definition, just because you're spending so much time home with kids and animals and the garden.

Keeping your your friendships strong, and being able to say "yes" to connection and community can be even more important when you're living a tradwife life, not less.

It's very common for behavior like that described above to be couched as "love." He doesn't want to be away from you because he loves you so much. He doesn't want you spending time with that friend because "you're better than her." He doesn't want you spending time with your mom, because he thinks she's a bad influence on you.

He doesn't want you going out with the girls, because you're innocent, but he knows how men think. He doesn't want you being part of mixed-gender friend groups, because he "knows what those men really want". He just wants to protect you. He wants it to "just be us" because that's how much he loves you and he's so romantic.

Real love looks like wanting you to thrive, and encouraging you to have meaningful relationships besides just him.

Does he make friends readily, and enjoy being in community?

Do you find that you're less involved with your communities, friendships, volunteering, clubs, and even church events, now that he's in your life? If so, it's worth honestly asking why.

Can you imagine being able to do more of the things you used to enjoy, if he liked people?

Here's the thing about homesteading. People love thinking of it as a self-sufficient life. The reality is that the whole "self-sufficiency" thing is an absolute load of BS. This is as close as I come to cussing, so please understand how much I mean this. It really is bunk.

When you're truly out there homesteading, you quickly learn that forming close relationships in your community, especially with other farm families, is absolutely vital.

You will need vet care in the middle of the night. You will need personal recommendations for decently dry cordwood, when the guy you used for years unexpectedly passes away. Your garden will thrive for sharing seed orders, plant starts, and extra berry bushes with your neighbors.

The grace that you build in your relationships will see you through, when a tree comes down on a fence, and your pig damages the neighbors yard, in spite of your best efforts. Cars will need a jump. Friends will share your endless zucchini with their mothers-in-law and thank you for it. That multi-strand rope of community that WILL hold you in life's hard moments, is twisted up out of simple daily actions, and kindness.

Does he already build that kind of community, finding shreds of shared experience wherever he goes? Or does he repel it?

If he hates people in town, he will hate people in the country. People are people. Does he like people? Because life is pretty miserable when you're tied to someone that pushes away the kind of community you crave. If you were living a one-car life, what would that look like, with a man who wants nothing to do with other people? It's worth really thinking about that.

Pin

Does he use any of the following language?

"Just you and me and God"

"Away from the things of man"

"...where nobody can tell us what to do, or how to live"

"...not have to see anybody for days"

Again, this is an echo of those points above, about isolation. Any of those comments can be a great jumping off point for conversation. Push him on those. WHY does he not want to see anyone for days? WHY does he want to leave everything you know behind? WHY does he want such a small circle, of just he and you and your children?

Don't just ignore those comments, if you don't truly hold the same sentiment yourself. Talk about it. How he answers, can tell you a lot about the type of person he is.

Do YOU want a homestead life?

Is a rural, homestead type of life what you yourself want, or is it something that appeals to you because it's what he wants?

Life in the country with ducks and chickens and kids can be absolutely wonderful. I know many stay-at-home, homeschooling moms who raise a few chickens, have a hobby garden, and are in love with wonderful husbands who have good jobs that make it possible. They are indeed living joyful, fulfilling lives, and wouldn't have it any other way.

Homesteading life can also be hard, and in many cases that simple tradwife life can quickly slouch into a miserable existence of isolation, over-work, and control or even abuse, while cut off from the social network and friendships that used to surround you.

My prayer, dear sister, is that these questions might help you identify any warning signs as you think about your future, and who to spend it with. I hope for you, that you find a life filled with joy and freedom and laughter, and that every loaf of sourdough you make is just because you want to.

With love and hope,

Anna